Til Cake Do Us Part ( Crackfic One-shot )
by sorenitysloth
Summary: The Delightful Children see Father's birthday cake and it's love and first sight. But their girlfriend, Kuki is not very happy about their unfaithful behavior.


Once upon a time there lived 5 little delightful children. In a delightful little mansion. Down a delightful little lane. The group consisted of the very evil and oh-so-pompous leader, the equally as evil sass-master with balls of steel, that one really tall kid who's probably only pretending to be evil to please the crowd, the ultra-refined closet dork, and last but not least that weird quiet kid who lurked in the corner and didn't say much but took super close note of every little thing happening around them.

Every few months, the Delightful Children received a super delicious irreplaceable one-of-a-kind birthday cake at one of their many birthday parties. But more often than not, they never got even a taste of cake due to those pesky kids next door. But this time. This time. It wasn't even one of their birthdays. _It was Father's._ And Father's cake...They quietly snuck into the kitchen. They'd take just a peek. Surely Father wouldn't mind if they just... _glimpsed_ at the cake and didn't actually try to take any of it.

But that was a bold move on their part. A move that would forever change the lives of the nefarious Delightful Children from Down the Lane. They gently and carefully lifted up the sheet obscuring the big slab of confectionary goodness. Just then, a blinding light shot through the room incapacitating them momentarily. When they opened their eyes, they simply could not believe the glorious sight that lay before them. It was the most beautiful cake they had ever had the pleasure of laying their eyes upon. _And they wanted it. They needed it. Right now._ They'd just take it out for a little...stroll in the park. And get back in time for their scheduled coffee break. Father wouldn't even notice the cake was gone.

As they lead the cake outside, they just couldn't help but take another glance in it's direction. _It looked even more beautiful in the daylight._ It had lovely white frosting, adorned with edible flower decorations, and in bold bright letters read " _Happy Birthday, Father._ " They had decided to name it Cakey. As Cakey made it's way through the park, all the neighboring flora and fauna stopped in it's wait, just to admire it's unrivaled beauty. It was such a lovely day outside. An absolutely perfect day for an absolutely perfect date with an absolutely perfect cake. And what other way to celebrate than...

They knew they had only known her for a few small hours but the Delightful Children just simply could not help themselves. Their love for her outweighed any other emotion they had ever felt in their young lives. And they rarely _ever_ felt emotions. She was so elegant. So fancy. Just their style. They couldn't ask for anything more in a confectionary treat.

"Oh, Cakey. Your writing so eloquent, so refined. Your frosting, white as the pearly plumage of an ice pigeon. Please won't you accept this token of our most earnest affections?" They stood on one knee, careful not to trip over each other, and held out a super expensive-looking ring that they probably stole Father's credit card to buy. But they received no response. They waited patiently for Cakey to make her decision but she simply would not budge.

"Hey! Why isn't she taking it?" the leader fumed in frustrated anguish.

"Shhh! Give her time. We mustn't pressure her into making a decision," the freakishly tall kid admonished. So they waited and waited and waited. But they still received no answer. "Oh give me that!" the sassy one grew impatient of waiting and decided to take matters into her own hands. "Look, we can't force you to take our hands in marriage but if you're going to decline such a generous offer, would it honestly kill you to just say it to our faces?"

The others gasped in horror at her insensitvity. "Ashley! That's no way to talk to our beloved Cakey!"

While they were distracted the ultra-refined dork rushed out of the crowd and grabbed the ring from his unpleasant sister. "Hey!" Ashley shouted at him.

"Milady if you'd please-" Lenny started to hand the ring out to Cakey, but not before the quiet kid snatched it from his merciless grip. Lenny and Constance started fighting over who got to hand the ring to Cakey, until it turned into an all-out brawl. Meanwhile, Bruce shouted"Fight! Fight! Fight!" in the background. Constance had Lenny pinned down to the ground with both hands coiled dangerously around his neck. Things had taken quite a turn for the morbid. Until David decided to take matters into his own hands. He pulled the quarreling siblings off each other and lifted them off the ground. "Wherever are your manners? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Treating Cakey like a...a... _piece of cake."_

Everyone just stopped what they were doing and stared at him in complete bewilderment.

"Which she is _not_! She is a _platter._ And she shall be treated as such."

He then dropped Lenny and Constance onto the ground without any warning, which caused them to make a loud thump noise against the sidewalk. But not before the ring fell out of Constance's hands and into Cakey's many layers of endless frosting.

They all gasped in surprise. " _Cakey has spoken._ "

Without thinking twice about it, they all gathered around Cakey and gave her a big affectionate hug. Then all at once, they remembered Father's party would be starting soon. And they still hadn't taken their scheduled coffee break! But then they stopped dead in their tracks. They couldn't go home _now._ Father would take Cakey away from them for sure! And they also couldn't let him see them with all this frosting covering their super expensive sailor uniforms. They started to panic for a moment...but then an idea struck them. Father didn't have to find out about Cakey... _if Cakey didn't come home_.

So the Delightfuls rushed off to City Hall to get married. But they were told that they were too young to get married. And that five people couldn't marry one cake.

"Well excuse you!" they retorted haughtily. "Do you even know who I am?!" Lenny pulled out a briefcase filled with cash and one of the employees fainted in shock. The other employees quickly whispered to each other. "Preparations to wed you shall be made right away!"

"We thank you ever so kindly," the Delightfuls bowed and curtsied in response.

After the wedding vows were said, they were off. Their honeymoon awaited. They hitched a ride on an expensive yacht, then spent the night at the finest five-star hotel they could find. Father could never keep them apart now. They had enough money to last them a whole month. That gave them plenty of time to elope and get to know all of Cakey whole-heartedly.

They had to stay out of town. That way Father wouldn't catch them. But as long as Cakey was by their side that was all that really mattered. Cakey was the sweetest, nicest, most elegant cake they had ever met in their life. And they would never let anything happen to her. Not while they were around. They covered her up when they went outside so she wouldn't attract any unwanted attention from any random passersby.

They got all dolled up in fancy dresses and tuxes just for their honeymoon. They had to look handsome and elegant for their darling Cakey. They got strange looks from people who saw them walking around with a big hidden object in exaggeratedly fancy attire. But they couldn't care less. Nothing would get in the way of their love for Cakey...that is nothing but...

"Hey, Bruce! Ashley! David! Constance! Lenny!" came a high-pitched enthusiastic voice from behind them. The children turned around in a panic when they recognized that voice. _It couldn't be._ What was _she_ doing here? No mistaking. It was none other than their girlfriend and long-time fiancee. _The one. The only._ _Kuki Sanban. In the flesh._

"K-kuki darling. What brings you out all this way?"

"I could ask you the same thing" Kuki responded skeptically.

"You know Father's been out looking for you for the past two and half days? Or was it two and three quarters? There's been reports all over the news!"

"Really? You'd think he would have replaced us by now. Well, no matter. We _aren't_ going back!"

"Why not? You have to! All the other kids next door may hate you and be glad you're gone...but I'm not! And I won't be happy until you come back home with me! Pretty pleeeasee?" Kuki's eyes became big and she started to tear up just a little bit.

The Delightfuls couldn't take it any longer. They felt terrible underneath all the guilt weighing them down. They collapsed onto the ground dramatically and started crying in unison. "Oh, Kuki. We have a terrible terrible confession to make."

Kuki was confused and surprised and took a quick glance at the big thing the were carrying around wth them.

"By the way what's that big thing you're carrying around with you?"

"Kuki...we've been...unfaithful to you."

Kuki gasps in shock and disbelief.

They shamefully pull the cover off of Cakey. "Meet our _wife_...Cakey."

Kuki's gaze quickly shifted from insulted to confused.

"...is this some sort of dumb joke?" Kuki knew they had a pretty dull sense of humor but this was just too much.

"We're so sorry! We don't deserve to be loved by someone as kind and accepting as yoooouu."

They continue sobbing into their hands.

"...you really think I'm going to get angry at you over a cake?"

"Don't misunderstand. She's not just any cake. She's _the_ cake of our dreams. The most splendid sight we've ever laid eyes upon. And we've forsaken your loyalty just to stay by her side..."

Kuki laughed in disbelief. "And I thought _I_ was supposed to be silly one."

Kuki decided that the Delightfuls needed some time alone to sort out their thoughts. As soon as they came to their senses they'd see how unreasonable they were being and come rushing back to her.

"Well I'll just leave you 6 alone for a bit."

"Kuki wait! You won't tell Father will you?"

"My lips are sealed." Kuki knew how Father got when he was angry and she vowed to protect her love at all costs.

They started to tear up once again, as she was leaving... _"I love her._.." but they loved Cakey. Oh what were they going to do. They couldn't date both of them at once...could they?

 _Oh no Cakey's frosting was melting a bit in the heat._ They had to get her back to the hotel before she suffered from heatstroke.

After they got back to the hotel they started thinking about Kuki. They still loved her. They decided to call her up and ask her out on a date the next day. Kuki got super excited, thinking they'd come to their senses...until the cake showed up to dinner with them unannounced. _What did they see in Cakey anyway? It was just a cake_. They continued going on dates over the next few days, but no matter what they did or where they went, Cakey always came with them. Kuki started to get a bit irritated. She was their _real_ girlfriend. But all they wanted to do was spend time with their precious "Cakey." C _akey this. Cakey that_. Day in and day out. It was all they ever talked about. Well if they loved Cakey so much maybe they should just go marry- _oh wait._ Kuki had had enough. This was getting ridiculous.

She decided they needed to have a serious talk.

"Alright, sweetie. We need to talk. You do realize that Cakey's just a cake, right? She's going to go bad one of these days."

The Delightfuls gasped in horror. "How could you suggest such a thing?!"

"Hey, all I'm saying is you need to choose one of us. I _t's me or the cake_. You can come to me once you've made up your mind."

"Hey! That's not fair! You're dating all _five_ of us!"

"But we all _agreed_ on that _together._ You _didn't_ consult me about Cakey before deciding to marry her so the consequences of that decision fall on you."

The Delightfuls had never seen Kuki act so serious before. She was so fearless. So radiant. _They loved her._ But they loved Cakey. Oh, the pressure was killing them. They just couldn't decide.

They decided to take some time to think over the things Kuki said to them but they had trouble coming to terms with the way things were. While they were mulling over their predicament, Kuki's haunting words flashed through their minds " _She's going to go bad one of these days._ " They glanced over at Cakey and saw just a bit of green fuzz sprouting up around her edges.

"No...this can't be happening..."

They had completely forgotten that cakes had a relatively short lifespan in comparison to humans. And they had forgotten to read how long Cakey's life expectancy was. It had only been a week, maybe two. They hadn't really been keeping track. But slowly but surely, Cakey was starting to deteriorate from the inside out.

They weren't planning on returning home. They would have lived a life as runaways with Cakey for the rest of their lives if they could have. But Cakey was going to disappear soon. And it was all their fault. They should have never taken her from Father's kitchen. They should have read her life expectancy date before deciding to fall head-over-heels for her. And now...it was far too late to do anything to save her.

They had no other choice. Reluctantly, they checked out of the hotel that afternoon so they could get Cakey home before her sickness got any worse. It was dark and rainy outside when the Delightfuls showed up at the back door to the mansion. But Father was already there. "CHILDREN!" He shouted angrily. "Where do you think you've been this whole time?!" but he stopped when he noticed the oversized tears falling out of their sleep-deprived eyes. Father hated to be the nice guy but he figured something must have happened to them, if they looked this distraught. "What's wrong? What happened?!" He shouted at them until they gave him an answer. But all they could do was sniffle and mutter "... _Cakey._.." Father was completely annoyed when he found out the real reason they were upset. " _Oh you have got to be kidding me_..."

But no matter how much he yelled, screamed, and severely punished them for being naughty, all they did was stand there in silence, worrying about the well-being of Cakey. They couldn't concentrate on getting any of their work done. And when they did they'd get distracted in the middle of it and start crying uncontrollably. So Father finally gave in and let them admit Cakey to their private medical ward, where she lay silently wasting away.

Kuki showed up at their bedroom window one night to see if they'd made up their minds yet. But when she showed up they were curled up in blankets surrounded by soiled tissues.

"Hey what's wrong, guys?"

"Cakey..." the Delightfuls sniffled "...has been put into quarantine...WAAAAAHAHAHA"

Quaran _who_? Kuki had never heard that word before. But if the Delightfuls were so upset about it, it must have been something reeeaal sad. "There...there?" Kuki gently patted their backs in awkward attempt to comfort them.

Kuki decided to stay with them for a bit, just to lend a comforting ear. As bizarre as it all was, she _was_ their girlfriend. And she wanted to support them wholeheartedly no matter how strange the situation was. She silently followed them to the room where Cakey lay, completely surrounded by walls of glass, so that the infection wouldn't spread. The Delightfuls cried out in agony every time they looked at her. " _Oh Caaaakeeyyy_..." The sight of it was so repulsive that it made Kuki want to hurl into her sweater sleeves. There Cakey lay. Covered in hideous green mold spores. _That was it. The cake needed to go._

Kuki decided to spend the night hiding in the Delightful Children's bedroom. As soon as she was sure they were asleep she snuck into the medical ward, broke open the glass, and threw Cakey into a gutter drain, _where she belonged. The deed was done. Kuki had murdered Cakey in cold blood. And she never regretted a second of it. She was only putting it out of it's misery. No one ever needed to know._

The next morning the Delightfuls woke up in shock after rushing to the medical ward, without taking the time to get dressed first. _Cakey was goooone._ They fell into eachother's arms crying and hugging eachother. " _Cakey died in her sleep,"_ Kuki appeared out of nowhere, holding out a plate with the remaining frosting and mold spores attached to it. They immediately grabbed the plate and started mourning. But Kuki had an idea that might just cheer them up. "Soooo...," she interrupted their cry fest for a brief moment, "...wanna get married?" she asked with the most adorable puppy dog face you've seen in your life. The Delightfuls lifted up their tear-stained faces, in shock for a moment, and then shouted "YES!" and forgot what they were even upset about in the first place.


End file.
